What about this business of food for lovers? Is it possible that
if you eat this, that or the other thing, your time in bed with your
partner will be more satisfyingly active? And is this food only
designed for men, or is there something out there in the world to
kick-start those lazy, inert women, as well?
Without trying to unravel the debate of nature versus nurture,
the subject of food for lovers always seemed to be of more importance
to men than women.
In the medieval times, when the master in the manor fed on deer
haunches, partridge wings and boars’ entrails, while his peasant
tenant avoided starvation by whatever means he could, just being well
fed was enough to activate the procreating process. Indeed, the master
of the land, only too aware of the puniness of his undernourished male
tenants, had a rule. A bride, before entering her husband’s bed,
would first be visited by the master himself. The husband didn’t
like it, of course. But the master knew his duty when he saw it. He
might be a lousy landlord in many other ways, but letting a bride have
at least one vigorous night was one duty into which he threw himself
heart and soul.
Being well fed was well and good, thought the well-fed guys.
“But you know,” one would say to the other, “I had some Indian
curry last Friday night in the little place that just opened around
the corner from my place. Boy, did I perform that night! What do you
think they put in the stuff?”
And thus started the search for the ultimate aphrodisiac.
In the Elizabethan times, the ladies of the red-light district
believed they had the answer. As the client stood around kicking his
heels waiting for his turn, the Madam would be circulating with a
silver platter piled high with prunes. A real libido-enhancer, a
handful of prunes, and by the time he took to the stairs three at a
time, the timid pimply hayseed of a moment ago would be transformed
into an Errol Flynn.
On the other hand, the Sultan, with his harem of a hundred or so
hand-picked beauties, wouldn’t give you a penny – or whatever the
Euro equivalent – for a prune. His secret weapon was the eggplant.
The more eggplant he ate, the more he could rise to the occasion. The
potency of the eggplant was so great, that it was actually forbidden
to the lovelies themselves. There was no saying what lusts would be
unleashed once the frustrated ladies fed on this forbidden
passion-starter.
And speaking of forbidden, there is another food being touted as
more potent than any other ever used any time through the whole
history of human civilization. It’s a well-known fruit, that if
taken three times a day, is guaranteed not only to stop men from
wasting money on those artificial pick-me-ups, but also changes women
from boring lumps of flesh to dynamic men-eaters.
This food has been around so long, that it seems unbelievable
that it has taken all this time to uncover its virtue. And yet how
inevitable.
It’s, of course, the apple. Discovered by Adam and Eve, the
story of good and evil diverted everyone from the real point of the
story. After eating it, not only did man and woman discover their
sexuality, but they were spurred to do something about it.
Three apples a day for the rest of your life. That’s all it
will take.
Oh, happy, happy day! No more eggplant.